The definition of sex
The first thing you probably think of when you hear the word sex is penis-in-vagina. But what if you spent an entire evening kissing someone intensely, caressing each other non-stop and enjoying it so much. Have you had sex or does this not count as sex?
Definitions and their meanings have impact. Due to the still prevailing interpretation of what sex is and is not, we exclude the most important aspect of sex, namely pleasure. You can still feel sexually satisfied without any penile penetration. It is not true that penetration of a penis is the absolute highlight. We exclude people with the current interpretation of sex. Consider, for example, people with a homosexual orientation, but even in a heterosexual relationship there does not have to be penetration. Also consider older people who attach less value to penis-in-vagina sex but to other forms of sexual contact as they age. And to take it one step further, I also want to discuss masturbation. Masturbating is equivalent to having sex with yourself but is not considered having sex. I just want to make it clear that there is no simple definition of sex. Sex is not about societal expectations but about what satisfaction and pleasure mean for you.
So to summarize, penis-in-vagina is not the only 'real' sex. You have the right to define what sex means. Consider the following questions:
*What is sex to you?
* What has to happen for it to be considered sex?
*When is it not sex?
*Where do your ideas about 'real' sex come from?
*Who gave this to you and when?
*Do these ideas still match your current values and knowledge?
*Do these ideas match those of your partner?
*Does your definition put fun first or something else?
A second aspect of what is often seen as 'real' sex is having an orgasm. For many people, the lack of an orgasm means that sex was not pleasant enough or that there was no 'end' to it.
As nice as having an orgasm is, this does not have to be the goal of sex. You can have fantastic sex without reaching climax. In fact, the expectation or rather the pressure we put on ourselves to have an orgasm is an obstacle to getting what we want so much. By this I mean that this imposed pressure inhibits your arousal. The focus on achieving an orgasm becomes so big that being in contact with your body is disrupted. The goal is not the orgasm but the pleasure throughout the whole sexual activity. Focus on your senses to experience this with full attention again.
*What are the sensations you are experiencing in your body at the moment?
*What do I feel and where do I feel it?
*What do these touches feel like?
*How does your partner's skin feel on your body?
*What sounds does your partner make?
*What do you see him/her/them doing?
*What does your body want?
The definition of foreplay
For many, anything that comes before 'real' sex falls under foreplay. In other words, anything that comes before penetration. Some examples are kissing, sensual touching, jerking off, fingering, oral sex, dirty talk, and so on. Once again, this is approached from the point of view that penetration is the highlight of sex, which again excludes many things. Not all actions are in preparation for penetration. Of course this is possible, but let us make it clear that this does not necessarily have to be the case. (Fore)play can also start much earlier than just before possible penetration. Consider, for example, sexually explicit messages, sensual touches, compliments, et cetera.
If you have foreplay in preparation for penetration, that can only be encouraged. It has some advantages that I would like to briefly mention.
First, it has an emotional benefit. Hormones are released that stimulate our desires, increasing the need for intimacy. And the more desire – the more pleasure.
Then you also have the physical advantage. Many women experience pain when immediate penetration occurs. Foreplay can better prepare the female body for penetration, so it is not painful but will provide pleasure. Because let me say very clearly that penetrative sex or any kind of sex you have should never hurt. Not even occasionally and not even a little. So the biggest tip I can give is to take your time to get into a state of physical and mental excitement.
Take a moment to consider the following questions:
*Does penetration always have to follow foreplay?
*What type of (pre)play is important to you?
*Which (pre)play is important to your partner?
*Do you always take enough time for foreplay if you are going to have penetrative sex?
Conclusion
What I want to emphasize with this blog is that you give color and shape to your sexuality. Do not define according to society's expectations, but according to your feelings and experiences. Additionally, understand that some terms are not as simple as they sound. Nuance and initiate this conversation when the opportunity arises so that more attention is paid to the meaning of words and the impact they can carry.
Love,
